Step...1?

Well, I went to the doctor on Wednesday (11/11/15). The takeaway was positive, even if the overall experience wasn't as much. It was, honestly, slightly traumatic, which I was not expecting. To get to the big stuff first, I'm fine, the miscarriage is progressing without complications, and I have an appointment with a specialist on Monday.

Ok, now that we have the important things communicated, here's some more detail. The first unexpected slight-trauma-inducing event was that my doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. This is technically the third for this pregnancy, which officially makes it the most I've ever had for any of my four pregnancies. He decided to do this one in his office, where we had the confirmation ultrasounds for our pregnancies with M and Puff. While I was waiting for my doctor to come back in, I kept having flashbacks to the two other ultrasounds in his office, holding hands with J, excited to see our babies. We were so innocent. We had the standard worry that accompanies this scan, but nothing compared to the waves of anxiety that accompany every doctor's visit after a loss. I may have leaked a tear or two, but it wasn't too bad, especially since the ultrasound confirmed that the loss is progressing without complications and should be over soon.

The next slightly-traumatic thing was my doctor's opinion. First, let me say, I love my doctor. I trust him and am very satisfied with him as my ob/gyn. I have been seeing him for almost ten years, so he and his staff feel like family in lots of ways. He was with me through my pregnancy with M and was hugely supportive of our choices. I couldn't ask for a better doctor and have recommended him to my friends. However, given all that, I wasn't exactly prepared for what happened during this appointment. Maybe I caught him on an off day, or maybe I misunderstood what he told me the day we confirmed Bunny's miscarriage. However, basically he told me he wanted me to stay on baby aspirin (which I've been on since my early twenties due to a family history of heart problems and my history of migraines) and that he wants to start me on progesterone earlier in our next pregnancy (I took progesterone with Bunny, as well). I asked him when we were going to start testing. He said that since Puff's loss was so much later (almost 20 weeks) and somewhat explained (nuchal cord), Luke's loss was so early with no explanation, and Bunny's loss was early but explained by the hemorrhages (I'll post another time with more details on the losses), he thought we were probably just having "a string of bad luck." To be quite honest, I didn't appreciate hearing my babies' deaths called "bad luck." At all. Bottom line, he didn't think the losses were related and so he didn't think testing would be helpful. (I really wish he had just said it like that.)

Here's where the part about me really liking, trusting, and respecting him come to play. I simply looked at him and said .250 is a decent batting average (my parents would be proud of that analogy) but it is a really shitty baby average. We need to get that up, so what are we going to do about it. My doctor said that I was right and if I wanted him to, he would write me a referral to the Perinatal Diagnostics Center (PDC) at the hospital. They handle high-risk cases and would review my chart to see if they had any recommendations beyond what he has suggested. I immediately agreed. He was really great about it and encouraging once we settled on that course of action. I just hadn't expected to go there. I went to the appointment with the expectation that my doctor was on board for starting testing. I was shocked to find out he wasn't planning on doing any himself.

The lesson here is that you should never be afraid to trust your gut or to advocate for yourself. Some people are afraid to tell their doctors they want a second opinion, or that they disagree with the doctor's conclusions. In this case, I knew I couldn't face the idea of our only change being starting progesterone earlier and losing another baby, knowing I didn't speak up and fight for testing, or at least seeing the high-risk doctors (PDC). Even if PDC doesn't recommend any testing or other courses of action, if we lose another baby, I will know I spoke up. I will know I did what I could to fight for this next baby, to advocate for myself and for this baby's life. So I go in on Monday to see PDC. I'm already a little nervous, but whatever happens, we are ready...I hope!