First Ultrasound (5/9/2016)

Here is another post written pre-public announcement of our pregnancy.

Well, our new baby is due January 2, 2017! As of the day I am writing this (May 9, 2016), I am exactly six weeks pregnant. My ob/gyn decided he wanted to see me early, around 7 weeks, as he wants to keep a closer eye on this pregnancy. His amazing staff scheduled an ultrasound at the MFM's office and a follow-up with him after. One perk of having the ultrasounds with the MFM is that the doctor is present during the ultrasound. The suite my ob/gyn uses is in a separate office and is only ultrasound techs. Nothing against technicians, but given my history, I am glad to have a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies looking at the ultrasounds too.

That's right...he wanted to see me at 7 weeks, we went today, and I said that I'm six weeks pregnant. Using traditional dating methods, I would be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. However, the ultrasound revealed that the baby was not as big as we thought, so the due date was pushed back to 1/2/17, putting us at 6 weeks pregnant. That happened with M too, except her due date was pushed back two weeks! She was born three days ahead of the later due date, so it was definitely right. Other than that, though, the MFM said everything looked great. No signs of subchorionic hemorrhage (Bunny's cause of death)!  And best of all, we got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat!!! Heart rate is 124, which both doctors agreed is a good sign. MFM said that my progesterone should be good, based on the ultrasound, but ordered labs just to be sure. My ob/gyn put me on a dose of progesterone as soon as we got the positive test, but the MFM said he would increase it if he needed to. However, the labs came back and my levels were great.

It was super comforting when, in the follow-up with him, my ob/gyn started talking about expectations for labor and delivery based on my experience with M, about getting a TDAP shot at 32 weeks, etc. Hearing him talk about the future of this pregnancy with such certainty really drove it home. There is no reason why this pregnancy shouldn't get that far. There are no indications at this point that there is anything wrong. All the signs point to a healthy pregnancy and baby...and definitely to a happy Mama, Daddy, and Big Sister! Both doctors and their staffs were supportive, caring, and all-around fantastic. We couldn't ask for better care. Both doctors, independent of each other, agreed that I should come back in four weeks for another ultrasound and follow-up. They want to keep a close eye on this pregnancy, given our history. Technically, I haven't been classified as "high risk" at this point, but since the MFM's office will be doing my ultrasounds, he wanted to stay involved. I'm not sure how involved he will be in the long run. I don't know if they will want to continue doing more frequent ultrasounds just to be sure or if the next one will be the last until the gender/anatomy scan around 20 weeks. We will have to wait and see.

But tonight, my steps down the road are a little lighter and the path seems a little brighter. Even if it is just for this moment, even if the darkness closes in again soon (as I know all too well that it can), I am going to enjoy this moment. Tonight, as we travel down our path, we skip, we run, we sing, and we dance. Tonight is a night for joy.

Gratitude and Comfort

I am writing this blog on April 20th, 2016. I'm noting that because this post won't be published for a while. I don't yet know how long it will be, but there are things that need to be done before I can publish it.

WE'RE PREGNANT!! We found out on April 18th. I'd been having some symptoms, but I tend to be a symptom-seeker, so I try not to get my hopes up. All the signs pointed to it, though, so after a faint if-I-turn-it-just-the-right-way-in-just-the-right-light-it-is-maybe-positive test that morning, I took another test in the afternoon and got a definite positive. I am, on April 20th, 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant. (UPDATE: I was actually only about 3 weeks and 1 day pregnant, baby's scan showed that it is a bit behind. More on that in a later post, but it is nothing to worry about) My doctor has started me on progesterone (which, from what I can tell, may or may not help but won't hurt). I will not see him until the second week in May, when I will be 7 weeks. I don't have an appointment date yet, as scheduling is difficult. My ob/gyn and the MFM who did our testing have agreed (at my request) that I can do my ultrasounds at the MFMs office. The ultrasound suite my ob/gyn uses is where it was confirmed to me that Puff had died, where we learned that something was wrong with the pregnancy with Bunny, and where it was confirmed that the pregnancy with Bunny was not viable. I have strong feelings associated with that office and I am not sure how I would react going back. Both doctors agree that the stress is not worth it, especially since the MFM's office and my ob/gyn's office are both located at the same hospital. I can walk from one to the other...not quickly, but I can. I will remain under the care of my ob/gyn unless complications arise that would necessitate moving to the MFM. So scheduling the ultrasound at the MFM's and the appointment with my ob/gyn has proven tricky.

Those are the nitty gritty details that people will want to know. They are up-to-date as of the day I'm writing this and I will only edit critical details before I post this. The main reason I'm writing this is because I want to chronicle this part of the journey. J and I don't know when we'll make this baby public. Some family members and close friends know already, but not many. It is still so new. It isn't that we're scared of a loss, though we are. J always says that if people want to rejoice with us, they can mourn with us. If they can't be with us through both, they don't need to be part of our lives. We're just relaxing as much as we can and enjoying this. 

Honestly, I have felt more relaxed and calm in the days immediately before and after the positive test than I have since the early days of my pregnancy with Puff. Even before we had a loss of our own, there was always the first trimester angst. It wasn't as intense, but it was there. Anyway, I have caught myself daydreaming about being hugely pregnant and feeling this baby move, or about being home with the baby on maternity leave. It has been comforting to feel more calm. I am having some symptoms, which is the bulk of what I wanted to talk about.

I've had some nausea throughout the day, some sensitivity to smells, some aversions/cravings (similar to the ones I had with Puff...I want spicy food, lol), frequent urination, forgetfulness (my typical tell) and some ligament pain. These are all normal, blessedly, wonderfully normal. I make sure to talk to J about them, to update him throughout the day with how I'm feeling. Mostly, I do this because I find immense comfort in the symptoms, especially the nausea and ligament pain. I know those are there because of higher-than-normal hormone levels. Every time a wave of nausea hits, every time a ligament protests when I move too quickly, every time I have to stop what I'm doing to pee, or try to remember something simple, I say a quick "thank you" prayer. I am so grateful for these symptoms. They bring comfort because they help me remember and rest in the knowledge that I'm still pregnant. Even if this goes wrong later, right now, I'm pregnant and I can enjoy this baby for every minute that it is with me. That is the outlook I want to have.

Throughout this pregnancy, I am going to try to keep this outlook. I am going to try to be grateful for every inconvenience, pain, and sickness. I am going to try to use as many minutes of lost sleep as possible praying for this baby, for my friends and family, and for myself. I am going to try to remember to say "thank you" when each little thing hits. I know how quickly it can go away and how heartbreaking that can be. I've been the woman listening to a thoughtless comment, reading a post complaining about a pregnancy symptoms, etc. and feeling the invisible knife cut my heart, just a little bit deeper because I would give anything except another life to have those symptoms, to have that ignorance of the shattering grief of child loss. 

So as we walk this new path on our road, please walk with us. Please hold me accountable to my gratitude, but be sensitive about it. Please understand that, no matter how grateful we are, grief is still a part of our lives and always will be. No baby will replace Puff, Luke, and Bunny nor make me stop longing for them. We walk, hoping for light, straining to glimpse it up ahead, catching it and holding on for dear life whenever we can. Resting in the knowledge that right here, right now, we're pregnant!