I wanted to talk a bit about my 10 week ultrasound before I get to my doctor's appointment yesterday (see first sentence if you're the anxious type). I have remarked before that I have been mostly calm during this pregnancy...more than I had expected, anyway. However, if you catch me on the morning of a doctor's appointment, my heart is hammering in my ears and I'm so anxious I feel sick to my stomach. The 10 week ultrasound was no exception. The nurse at the MFM's office called me back to get my blood pressure and weight before the ultrasound. My blood pressure was so high, an alarm on the machine sounded. Apparently, it showed I was having a stroke. Obviously, I wasn't, so I took a few deep breaths and we tried again. Much better the second time, but still high. Well, duh! I'm a nervous wreck here! I'm having trouble breathing at all, let alone deeply and calmly! So anyway, I went back to wait with J for them to call us for the ultrasound. It seemed like forever, but we were finally called back. The ultrasound began and I almost immediately saw my baby's heartbeat. There were huge sighs of relief, face-splitting smiles, and a few tears (well, J didn't cry, but I did). Through the whole ultrasound, the baby kicked its tiny feet and waved its tiny hand. It looked like one of the golden cat statues I always associate with Chinese restaurants. The little hand kept bobbing up and down. "Looks like baby is saying hi," the MFM noted. "Hi, baby! We love you so much!" Heartbeat was a strong 160. MFM told us that with a strong heartbeat and such an active baby, he did not expect any problems for us. "You're miscarriage chance at this point is, in my estimation, as low as anyone else's. At 10 weeks with these good signs, I doubt you will miscarry. I'm so sorry for your earlier losses, but it is likely that your first (Puff) was a fluke accident. I don't think there is much chance at all that it would happen again." I have rarely heard sweeter words. My ob/gyn concurred and we were sent home smiling with pictures of our kicking, waving baby.
I'll write more about the in-between time, as I've come to think about it, in another blog soon. Time travel to yesterday morning (7/11/16). I had a 15 week check-up with my ob-gyn. No ultrasound, just a routine follow-up. J decided to head to work unless I got to anxious and needed him there. I figured I'd be fine and sent him to work. I've requested morning appointments so that I can get it over with and not be anxious. Yesterday was no exception with anxiety. I was nervous to the point of trembling hands and feeling sick. The nurse called me back and began asking the standard questions. She reached for the blood pressure cuff and stethoscope. "Can we please do the Doppler first? My blood pressure will be sky high until I hear the heartbeat." "Oh, of course!" Thank heavens! The nurse began prodding around, looking for the heartbeat but only finding mine. I knew it was my heartbeat because the sounds on the Doppler matched the thumping in my ears. Then, a buzzing noise came from the intercom. "I'm so sorry. The doctor needs me," the nurse said as she rushed out the door. "I'll be right back."
Honestly, in those moments lying alone on that table with her not able to find my baby's heartbeat, I had a major flashback. There were a few moments when the doctor and nurse left me in the exam room while they went to find other equipment and, I assume, consult about not finding Puff's heartbeat. I thought the same thing yesterday that I did then. "This will either be the best ending or the worst." I fought back tears and prayed. "Lord, I don't think I can do this again. I don't have much choice at this point, but I'll walk the road You have for me." It is a very lonely, aching, desperate place to be.
As the nurse walked back through the door, she immediately apologized. "I'm an idiot! I've been off for a week and you're my first Doppler back. It should be routine by now, but I completely forgot to check where your uterus is (not as dumb as it sounds, since it grows and moves throughout pregnancy). I'm so sorry." Two seconds of poking my belly and two seconds positioning the Doppler and there it was. A strong whoshing noise, faster than before. Baby's heartbeat!!! A nice, solid 156. I didn't cry, but I came VERY close. I laughed in relief and asked her if I could stay there all day listening. "Oh, honey, I know. I'd let you if I could. I'm so sorry for the stress I caused earlier."
The rest of the appointment was pretty routine. My blood pressure was down from 10 weeks, but still a bit elevated. My doctor doesn't want me to change anything (I walk at least a mile each day with our dog and haven't gained a pound yet), but he is going to keep an eye on it. If it stays elevated or gets higher, he may recommend intervention and we would likely deliver baby early. But that isn't a major concern now as it was only slightly elevated. Other than that, I'm doing well and so is baby. Even typing that, I just sighed in relief.
My next appointment is the gender/anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks with the MFM on August 8, 2016. I'll follow-up with my ob/gyn after. I know I'll probably be even more nervous than usual since we found out Puff had died at a 19 week appointment. It will be a relief, though, to not just hear the heartbeat, but also to see the baby moving on the ultrasound and to learn its gender. I'll definitely ask the MFM's nurse to do my blood pressure AFTER the ultrasound this time! :)
So we keep walking. Through the dark, bumpy patches of anxiety and fear. Through the smooth stretches where we step in time with a tiny heartbeat, drumming our hope. We walk, always one day, one step, one heartbeat closer to our sweet baby.
