Complications

Well, I was hoping to write on Wednesday about my doctor's visit. Sadly, I had to reschedule. M woke up at 4:30 in the morning throwing up that day...not exactly conducive to going to the baby-sitter. Her grandfather came over to watch her, but he had his own doctor's appointment at the same time as mine. I don't think the miscarriage has progressed enough for my doctor to be able to do any testing anyway.

So that brings me to something I'd hoped to have time to write about. This season (may it be blessedly short) is more complicated and awkward that I can say, but I'll try. By "season," I mean the period from when we found out Bunny was gone until the miscarriage is over and I'm no longer chemically pregnant. We can't move forward with testing until my hormone levels are low enough that I don't qualify as pregnant. So on that note, I have wanted the miscarriage to start and finish quickly. However, that means I am looking for signs of miscarriage almost eagerly...which feels disloyal and wrong. I feel torn. I don't want to lose the connection to Bunny, though I know she is gone. I spent the month we knew I was pregnant anxiously looking for signs of miscarriage with dread. Now, those same signs are the necessary steps before we can begin to look for, diagnose, and treat a problem, God willing. I can't describe the feeling, but I can honestly say that I've never felt so conflicted in my entire life. Especially right after we found out she was gone, I waited with baited breath for the signs to start. I was hoping it wouldn't drag out and require medical intervention. I was hoping it wouldn't take so long that we wouldn't be able to do anything at the appointment today. (See what worry gets me? Today's appointment didn't even happen!) I didn't want to have to keep going back and having my hCG levels tested again and again. I wanted the miscarriage to start and finish quickly so we can move forward. At the same time, moving forward feels wrong, since I have to do it without my precious baby...again. It feels like a betrayal to want this to go quickly.

I know these are normal feelings. I know I am not to blame for wanting to be able to move forward and hopefully find a way to bring a baby home. I hope that, had we gotten the chance to raise any/all of our babies, they would want this, too. I hope they would understand. I'll never get that closure in this lifetime. I'll never know for sure. But I am as sure as I can be that our babies would want our family to honor them even as we move forward with testing to try to find a reason and a way to bring home a baby. Grief is never easy. Finding a new normal, finding a way to keep our babies in our hearts as we keep living day-by-day...it is complicated beyond explanation. But we find a way, each day, to take another step down the road. Closer to an answer, closer to a baby in our home, closer to seeing our babies again with our Father.