An Odd Place To Be

Well, here we are. 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Things are going well. Q is still very active, which I'm especially grateful for today (more on that later). I am at the point where I see my doctor weekly, and I'm very grateful for that, too. Though it does give me less time to compensate if I indulge my sweet tooth more than I should, lol! But I am glad to hear Q's heartbeat every week and get updates on my progress.

Speaking of updates, I'll give one now. Potential TMI warning, skip this paragraph if you don't want to know personal details. At my 35 week check last week, my ob/gyn told me I was around 1 cm dilated and starting to efface. At my 36 week check on Monday, I was around 1.5-2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I didn't have a check at 35 weeks with M, but I did start dilating and effacing by 36 weeks with her. As I recall, I'm progressing faster with Q than I did with her, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Dilating and effacing can take weeks. Starting early means less to do when more active labor starts, but it doesn't mean that a birth day is imminent. Or it might. There is still no real way to know. Progressing faster is a good sign, but things could still stall out at any point. We will just have to wait and see. Q and my body are writing this story and neither of them have shared this plot point with me!

So basically, I'm progressing towards labor, but that doesn't necessarily give us a better idea of when he will come. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 3 more weeks. We just have to wait and see. Thankfully, J and I are almost done with most of the major jobs that need to be done for us to be ready for Q. We need to have our car seat installed. I highly recommend that everyone who has a car seat has it installed or checked by the local fire department, if yours offers that service. They are trained in how to get the best fit for your car, appointments are easy to make, there is almost always a trained firefighter at the stations, and it is free, so there is pretty much no excuse not to. We need to get the pack 'n' play out of storage, since it is going to serve as our primary changing station in our room for overnights. We need to wash and prep cloth diapers. Other than that, the rest is basic cleaning and housework. I want to stock the freezer a bit more, but we'll see if/when that happens.

I mentioned being extra grateful that Q is active today. That is because it was a year ago today that we found out that Puff's heart had stopped beating. In two days, it will be his second birthday, the anniversary of the day he was, as his tombstone says, "born into the arms of angels." It is an odd day for me. I have Q-related jobs that I need to do, but in some ways, it feels wrong to do them. It feels like today should be Puff's day alone. At the same time, I think he would be excited about his baby brother and would understand me dividing my time and energy. Heaven knows, I can't ignore M today, so how can I justify ignoring Q? I think today and Saturday are going to be about finding ways to honor my grief, to honor Puff, but also to honor M and Q and the rest of our family. Puff, Luke, and Bunny are a part of our family and I think about them every day. Today is no different, in that respect. It is different, though, because I'll take a bit more time out to listen to the windchimes, to cry if I need to, to remember the hope and joy each of our five babies have brought us. While I don't know if I'll ever understand why my babies aren't here with me, I can take comfort in the memories, even the sad ones. I am glad for the people I have been able to relate to, talk to, and maybe provide some comfort to in their times of loss. I will never be glad my babies are gone, but I can look for the blessings they left behind and do my best to make sure their lives are remembered through acts of kindness and by being a blessing to others.

Today, I purposefully slow my pace down this path. Today, I take time to stop and listen, to remember, to honor all the small lives with which J and I were entrusted. I take joy in feeling Q kick while I listen to his siblings' windchimes. I cry remembering one of the worst days of my life. I feel gratitude for all of my babies, for our friends and family who have stuck by us and supported us. And still, I keep walking. Closer to meeting Q, closer to the day when I'll hold all my babies in my arms. It is not an easy path, but it is mine and I cherish it.