Y'all, life has been crazy. I think I write that in almost every blog post, lol! Life just seems to keep raising the bar! Mostly, I think I feel so busy because I am really stretched thin right now, in more ways than one.
The most obvious is that I am huge. I had a weird moment this morning when I was leaving the bathroom. I had turned sideways to the mirror and saw a side view of my stomach. I felt a mixed sense of awe and confusion. That can't be me! I turned to J. "I think I'm already bigger than I ever was with M and I'm only 33 +3." "Yeah, I think you are bigger, but that's ok. You are literally a house!" (That is a joke we have shared for a while, so he didn't get in trouble for it, lol! I laughed.) My stomach is quite literally stretched thin. I am not sure my body can accommodate getting much bigger, but of course, it will do what it needs to for Q.
Then there is work. There has been some drama and stress at work, mostly related to client's behaviors (I'm a Behavior Specialist working with kids who have diagnoses of developmental delays and/or intellectual disabilities) and the upcoming holidays. Holidays always screw with our billing, both in when things are due and in how much we get paid. I'm contracted, so if a client cancels or I miss a session, I lose those hours out of my paycheck. It also means no maternity leave, sort of. No sick/vacation time, so I can take as much or as little time as I can afford. I'm trying to get things sorted and set up for my maternity leave so that it is one less thing on my mind later on. So far, so good, but it is a lot.
And of course, there is life in general. There's the regular housework (laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, picking up, etc.) and there's all the extra stuff that needs to be done for company coming for Thanksgiving (mostly deeper cleaning and prepping the guest room). Then there's all the extra stuff that needs to be done for Q. Sorting out the guest room (which will eventually be his nursery), rearranging furniture in our room to make space for his changing table and co-sleeper, rearranging the living room to have space for our new, more nursing-friendly couch and the things Q will need in the living room, cleaning out M's room to make room for toys that need to be kept away from the baby, washing clothes and cloth diapers, getting rid of so much (seriously y'all...SO MUCH) extra stuff we have that we don't need...the list goes on. Some days, it feels like I'll never get it all done. I'm very thankful that we have family coming in to town for Thanksgiving who will help with some of the bigger tasks that I just can't manage and J can't do alone.
Then, there is a less obvious, but maybe more painful, stretching. I've let myself do some things to prepare for Q. I have ordered a new breast pump through our insurance (my old one is fine, but having a free spare is awesome). I have ordered some supplements I used while nursing M and other nursing supplies. I have packed my hospital bag, written a birth plan, and pre-registered with the hospital. I am starting to let myself believe that this will really happen. I have begun to set up the guest room for him, though it won't be his nursery for a while. I've started making lists of the things we still need to buy. This definitely stretches me. I do what I can when I feel like I can and when I can't, I don't. Duh, I know, but with my OCD-like tendencies, it can be hard for me to start something and then stop part-way through. I'm learning that I will wear myself out physically and emotionally if I keep pushing, though, so I think I am getting better about stopping when I need to. Simply thinking about a baby registry is a fight to hold on to the hope that he will get to use those things, to push back the thoughts of "that is a good thing to register for...another baby could use it if something happens." It is harder than I'd ever thought, balancing my OCD-like need to get things done, to make lists, and to cross things off of them with my need for space to get used to each little stretch, each push past the easier way of just ignoring or resting.
This pregnancy has been a fight. I feel battle-worn and weary. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I would fight a million times harder if I had to for my sweet boy, for my family. Through it all, there has been grace. J has stepped up to help out with housework. M has been fully on-board with helping us clean. Friends and family are helping out, too. When I've felt too stretched thin, I am trying to give myself the space to stop and rest, to read Scripture and pray, to vent to the loss support group I've joined on Facebook. Those ladies understand like few others do, as most of them are also pregnant (or have been pregnant) after a second trimester loss. This has been a fight, make no mistake about it. While the pregnancy itself has been uneventful, I have felt more weary and worn than I think I ever have, except after Puff's, Luke's, and Bunny's deaths. That was the battle of grief, a battle to find hope. This has been a battle to hang on to hope, to cling to it desperately, to walk toward a future that might just break me if it shatters like it has before with my eyes wide open to the dangers. It is so hard. It is so worth it.
I am letting myself get more used to the idea of and prepared for Q coming home with us. I know it will be more painful stretching once he is here. (What do you mean other people want to hold my baby???) So, I guess I'd better limber up for the road! Still waddling along, some days very slowly, but ever forward. Ever closer to holding my sweet boy in my arms. Now, I'm going to go rest...or maybe sweep. Let's not talk about the size of the dust bunnies in this house!
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