One week from now, I will (hopefully) be back at the high risk doctor with J for our testing. While this is not the topic of the blog post, a few people have asked, so I thought I'd share what tests the doctor plans to order. We'll both be doing a genetic karyotype to ensure neither of us is carrying a genetic disorder that could cause miscarriages. The rest of the tests are just for me, lucky girl that I am. They'll run an Antinuclear Antibody test to check for autoimmune disorders; MTHFR, which is a genetic mutation that leads to clotting disorders; Factor V Leiden thrombophilia, another genetic disorder that leads to problems with clotting; Proteins S and C levels, which are associated with excessive clotting; prothrombin/INR time tests, which look at how long it takes my blood to clot; and finally, homocysteine levels, which is associated with B12/Folic Acid deficiencies and clotting problems. I am also going to ask for a thyroid panel while we are there...as well as anything else they can/will do. Notice a trend? Lots of clotting disorder tests on the books.
We know Bunny died due to two large subchorionic hemorrhages. We know we had a threatened miscarriage with Luke before the actual miscarriage, but we don't know why. We know Puff was born with a tight nuchal cord, but we don't know why. Nuchal cord at his gestational age is incredibly rare. My research put the statistics at under a 6% likelihood, with NO statistics available about nuchal cord causing death at that gestational age. We also know that with *only* three miscarriages, the tests are unlikely to reveal anything. I have been on a prenatal vitamin since June of 2014 and took extra folic acid with at least Luke and Bunny, so a deficiency isn't likely as treatment is taking extra folic acid. I have been on an 81mg aspirin regimen since my early 20s due to my history of hemisensory migraines and family history of heart problems. According to my ob/gyn, that is the typical first line treatment for clotting problems, so that is unlikely also. Neither J, M, or I have any symptoms of genetic abnormalities, so that, too, is unlikely. I also started progesterone right after we got the positive test with Bunny.
So yeah, there are lots of things that are unlikely, but possible. The losses were all so different and I know that both my ob/gyn and MFM think that they are probably not related. However, J and I agree that we can't wait for another loss to do testing. I know the doctors think we are likely to go on to have a healthy pregnancy. We simply aren't willing to risk the life of yet another of our children. Insurance will pay for testing after three miscarriages, we're getting the testing after three miscarriages. If nothing comes of it, we'll at least have that knowledge. If something does, then we'll either be able to do something to improve our odds of a healthy pregnancy or we won't but we'll know what we're up against. No matter what, we want as much information as possible to make the best, most well-informed decision possible. From here, we can work with my ob/gyn and MFM to make a plan for the next pregnancy.
In several different conversations with friends about the testing, the same awkward moment comes up. People don't know if they should hope the tests find something or not. I can understand both viewpoints. On one hand, finding something means that there is something wrong with (most likely) me and my friends are likely afraid I might blame myself. On the other hand, finding nothing means that we have no idea why we lost 75% of our pregnancies and those stats don't forecast happy days ahead, no matter what the doctors say. So here's my hope. I hope we find something. Even if it is something that can't be compensated for, fixed, or eradicated, at least I'll have a reason. At least then, the losses won't be random, "bad luck," etc. Maybe I'll blame myself a bit, but I have a cognitive understanding that I didn't know about the problem and couldn't possibly have done anything about it. I understand that I did as much as I could as soon as I could and I honored my babies by getting the testing so that we could do as much as possible for a better ending next time. To me, the worse of the two options is not knowing, having to face the possibility of trying again and again just to end up in the same dark hole until we finally have to stop. I know that is the most likely outcome, not finding anything, and it is the scariest for me. But regardless, I have to try. I have to give any biological children we might go on to have the best chance I can, even though it means facing down and likely living through, one of my worst fears.
While hope isn't exactly is strong supply at this moment, it comes and goes. But hope is always there or we wouldn't go for testing at all, we wouldn't keep trying, we wouldn't keep fighting. Maybe it is more accurate to say that my hope is more hard-fought than ever before in my life. It isn't that it isn't there, but rather that I've been able to take it for granted in the past. Now that I have to fight for every scrap of hope for a healthy baby, I feel the loss of that innocence, of the free and limitless supply of hope I used to have. But hope remains, and so we walk down the path that will lead to our redemption, not knowing what the road holds, but trusting in the One who holds us.
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