Fitting In

I know I've been absent for a while. I wanted to take a bit of time today to write about something seasonal, sort of. I've always thought "We Three Kings" was an odd song. The strangely haunting melody seems somewhat out of place with the rest of the Christmas carols we sing. Plus, you often only sing the first and last, sometimes second, verses. However, in the year plus since Puff died, I've come to really appreciate this song and how little I understood about it growing up.

I think the true power in this song is only revealed when you sing all the verses. So why don't we? Let's be honest, that fourth verse is kinda creepy.

Myrrh is mine: it's bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom.
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in a stone-cold tomb.

Not exactly what we like to think about at Christmas. Call me morbid, but having lost three children, I have a much greater appreciation for this verse. It calls us to remember that this baby isn't just a cute, cuddly baby. This baby is the King of kings. But that doesn't mean He won't face hardship. This baby brings about our "happily ever after," but the story certainly has it's dark plot points. We can't look at this baby and forget the cross. This verse speaks to me in a way it didn't before. I feel like I can relate to the "sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying" bits...it resonates strongly with how I felt after the deaths of Puff, Luke, and Bunny. I've felt the "gathering gloom" waiting for the doctor to confirm the losses of Luke and Bunny. I've stood graveside and lowered an urn with Puff's ashes and his and Luke's memorial blankets. There is a stone-cold marker commemorating my babies in a grave in Georgia. I still have days that seem scented with a bitter perfume.

The fifth verse soars into a glorious statement of the "happily ever after," but it means so much more coming after the third verse.

Glorious now behold Him arise,
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia!
Sounds through the earth and skies.

Even this verse speaks to the fact that this baby is a King, this baby is God...but this baby is a Sacrifice, born to die. This baby, though, rises. This King gives Himself on behalf of His beloved. This sacrifice fully atones for the sins of the whole world. Because of the truths in these two verses, I remember that I have a God who truly understands the fourth verse. I remember that He sees me and loves me as I am, enough to send His Son so that pain of sin and loss may be temporary, so that I can have hope to see all of my children again.

The holidays have been hard, I won't lie. This Christmas was easier than last year, but not by much. I am so grateful to the friends who took time out to ask me how I was and wanted an honest answer. I am grateful to the people who didn't ignore, didn't forget, didn't give platitudes or gloss over how much this season hurts. I am grateful to those who saw me going ever so slightly insane this year and rode it out. "We Three Kings" may not seem to quite fit in with the other, often more popular, kids on the Christmas Carol playground. This year, I didn't feel like I quite fit in during the holidays either. But there is hope.

And so we move down the path, remembering our babies who died, remembering a baby born to die and live again. One step at a time.