Ok, I'm going to preface this post. I am 29 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I am definitely big. I compared my 28 week "belly bump" picture with Q to my picture from the same time with M and geez. It is insane. I looked closer to my 34 week picture with her. We know Q was measuring at least 11 days ahead, but I don't really know for sure how big he is now. He may have slowed down some and let the weeks catch up some (which I doubt because of my size), he may hold steady at 11 days ahead, or he may have kept gaining days. But yes, I am huge. Yes, I am probably the same size now as some women when they go into labor, especially with their first child. Also, as I've mentioned before, Q is not only big, but he is active!
I am super grateful to be growing such a healthy, active boy. And if he stays healthy and active when he is born, that is fine with J and me! All the kicks are reassuring and knowing that he is ahead of schedule on his growth helps me feel more at ease, especially as his development becomes more and more about him gaining weight and size and less about him gaining necessary skills to survive in the outside world. I'm also kinda proud, because I haven't gained a ton of weight, despite how large I am.
End preface, start rant:: Y'all, having a large active baby can be darned uncomfortable! He kicks and rolls and pushes and I swear he is just going to "Alien" right out of my stomach one of these days and we still have 10+ weeks to go! It is daunting some days. My hips hurt, my abs (what is left of my abs anyway) hurt, though thankfully my back is ok. Sleeping is a challenge. Poor J has had to take over a lot of household tasks because I can't bend over well and getting up from sitting on our old sofa is a major challenge. I am super grateful and I wouldn't change it, but I have to be real. This pregnancy has been much more physically and emotionally draining than my pregnancy with M.
Also, we all know this, but strangers feel the need to comment on things that are none of their business. Yesterday, I had four...FOUR people comment on my size. Two asked if I'm having twins when they found out my due date isn't tomorrow. One neighbor called out "boy, you sure have that waddle going on" (REALLY???) and one asked "geez, is that baby ever going to come?" (nope, gonna cross my legs really tight and keep him there, because I enjoy being uncomfortable, sore, and subjected to comments from almost total strangers). One person was someone I just met not two minutes before he asked if I was having twins. Hadn't even told him I was pregnant. The other three are neighbors I've had conversations with, but I don't really *know* any of them well.
Y'all please. If you don't know if someone is pregnant, don't ever, ever, EVER ask. See this YouTube clip for the rule (sorry for the poor video quality). Brian Regan - When's That Baby Due? If you do know someone is pregnant, don't comment on her size and don't speculate about anything...gender, due date, multiples, etc. You don't know her story, you don't know what she's been through to get this baby. You don't know if she has had a loss and is experiencing gender disappointment. You don't know if she is having one of those days where she wonders if she'll make it to the due date this time and actually get to take her baby home in a car seat. You don't know if she struggled to conceive or had multiples but one died, so your off-handed remark about twins hits a sore spot. I'm assuming that, if you do know these things for sure, you know to keep your comments to yourself.
I am so proud of my big belly and my active son. For some reason, though, four people I barely know commenting in one day made me feel a little less bright, a little less happy, a little less proud. It was frustrating. The feeling was fleeting each time, don't worry. My doctor is happy with my growth and Q's. Both my ob/gyn and several MFMs have told me that Q's size is a good indicator of health. I know I'm pregnant. I know I'm big. I don't need comments to make me aware of those things. Part of me wanted to get either very sarcastic or very real with these people. "You try walking the dog with a baby this big growing off your front. It hurts sometimes, so waddle or not, I'm glad I can be active and do what is best for my baby and me." "No, it isn't twins, though what a blessing that would be, especially after we had three babies die in the pregnancies before this one." "Yes, he will be born eventually, but hopefully not stillborn early like his brother. Thankfully, we've passed the point of miscarriage like his other brother and one sister, but we know too well that we are never out of the woods. So we're hoping he comes happy and healthy as close to his due date as possible." I didn't say any of those things, though. I tried to be kind, though my frustration may have been obvious (I'm ok with that...). "No, it isn't twins. One boy, but he is measuring ahead and we are thankful he is healthy." "Yes, he'll be here when the time is right." The waddle comment just got a semi-forced laugh and a wave. Maybe one time, I'll snap and either cry or unload every ounce of stress from this pregnancy after loss. I hope not, because that poor person won't deserve it, not really. These people didn't deserve the answers my sarcastic nature and pregnancy hormones wanted to give, so I held it in. I'm glad I did, though others may disagree.
I'm asking you, dear reader...please consider your words before you speak them. If you wouldn't say them to a loved one who has had a loss, to someone who is sensitive, then just don't say them. There are plenty of things to say. "Congratulations!" "How wonderful!" "I'm so happy for you!" "If there's anything you need, let me know!" "How are you feeling?" "You look beautiful/glowing/healthy/happy." Other comments may not be as funny/helpful as you think and may in fact be quite hurtful.
End Rant:: So here I am, waddling down this road with my huge belly. Large, proud, and making it. Day by day, waddling step by waddling step, lol. Doing my best to keep my sarcasm directed at those who earn it and can handle it and my pregnancy hormones from making me even more insane than I already am. 10 weeks and 5 days left until due date, little man. Hang in there, not much time left before we meet face-to-face!
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Friday, September 30, 2016
24 and 26 Weeks
Well, preggo brain has run rampant this pregnancy and I haven't been as consistent as I'd wanted to be about keeping up with posts. I'm trying to be easy with myself, though. This pregnancy in and of itself has been stressful, plus family, work, housework, and finishing up on-line coursework for a certificate for work. Whew! The coursework is done and I'm very relieved to have it finished before Q comes!
So updates! I saw the MFM (high risk doctor) at 24 weeks (9/12) for another ultrasound. This was the follow-up to the gender scan, which was ordered so they could get a better look at Q's heart since he was turned on his side during the gender scan. Not only does his heart look great, it looks so good the doctor asked if he could use some of the ultrasound pictures in his lectures! My blood pressure was lower, which was great news. And apparently Q is an over-achiever! I was 24 weeks exactly at the scan, but he measured 25 weeks 4 days, so 11 days ahead. That means he gained 5 extra days in the 5 weeks since the gender scan. Go figure! The ultrasound tech saw his measurements and asked if I'd had my blood glucose test yet. My ob/gyn ordered it at 22 weeks, so I had and knew the results. I told her I had and that my results were within normal limits, though I thought they were maybe on the high side. Gestational diabetes can result in larger babies, but my test results indicate that I don't have it. She said that my ob/gyn may want to re-run the test later to be sure it doesn't develop later on. For now, though, no pre-eclampsia, no gestational diabetes, and a big, healthy baby with a perfect heart. Couldn't have been a better appointment!
I then saw my ob/gyn at 26 weeks (9/26). He measured me and confirmed that I'm bigger than usual for my gestation, which confirms that Q is measuring big. He said my glucose results weren't even on the high side of normal, they were just straight up normal and he didn't mention wanting to re-run the test. Yay!!! My blood pressure was lower again, so still no pre-eclampsia! This also means no need to induce Q early. The doctor said he can't/won't induce before 39 weeks for size alone, so we are looking good for natural childbirth. If my blood pressure spikes up later on in the pregnancy, we may need to induce as early as 37-38 weeks. I wouldn't mind if Q comes early for various reasons, but I'd much rather he comes on his own when he is ready. We'll see what happens!
Personally, J and I are starting to look at prenatal classes. We've enrolled M in a "Big Brother, Big Sister" class our hospital offers and she is very excited. I don't think we're going to take any classes this time around...maybe, but I doubt it. We are hoping to schedule a tour of the maternity ward soon. I'm starting to think about writing out our birth plan, making a list of what to pack in the hospital bag, and pre-registering with the hospital (saved us so much time with M). I'm slowly but surely getting projects done around the house, though there is still a LOT left to do. We'll have family in town around Thanksgiving and I know they'll be up to the challenge of helping us finish out projects that need doing. I'm trying to get a jump on Christmas shopping so I can have it all done just in case he comes before Christmas. My mother has already volunteered to help with gift wrapping, which is a huge help! Lots of preparations, but we still have 13ish weeks left.
This is a fun place to be on the road, for the most part. It is starting to become more real, though hope is still not a solid, assured thing. I'm letting myself prepare more, believe more. I feel like the pace has picked up, though I'm not going any faster (time has a funny way of acting like that sometimes). There is always time to stop and remember, though. Always time for Puff, Luke, and Bunny. They are always with me and always will be, a huge part of what carries me down the road and keeps me walking ever forward towards meeting Q.
So updates! I saw the MFM (high risk doctor) at 24 weeks (9/12) for another ultrasound. This was the follow-up to the gender scan, which was ordered so they could get a better look at Q's heart since he was turned on his side during the gender scan. Not only does his heart look great, it looks so good the doctor asked if he could use some of the ultrasound pictures in his lectures! My blood pressure was lower, which was great news. And apparently Q is an over-achiever! I was 24 weeks exactly at the scan, but he measured 25 weeks 4 days, so 11 days ahead. That means he gained 5 extra days in the 5 weeks since the gender scan. Go figure! The ultrasound tech saw his measurements and asked if I'd had my blood glucose test yet. My ob/gyn ordered it at 22 weeks, so I had and knew the results. I told her I had and that my results were within normal limits, though I thought they were maybe on the high side. Gestational diabetes can result in larger babies, but my test results indicate that I don't have it. She said that my ob/gyn may want to re-run the test later to be sure it doesn't develop later on. For now, though, no pre-eclampsia, no gestational diabetes, and a big, healthy baby with a perfect heart. Couldn't have been a better appointment!
I then saw my ob/gyn at 26 weeks (9/26). He measured me and confirmed that I'm bigger than usual for my gestation, which confirms that Q is measuring big. He said my glucose results weren't even on the high side of normal, they were just straight up normal and he didn't mention wanting to re-run the test. Yay!!! My blood pressure was lower again, so still no pre-eclampsia! This also means no need to induce Q early. The doctor said he can't/won't induce before 39 weeks for size alone, so we are looking good for natural childbirth. If my blood pressure spikes up later on in the pregnancy, we may need to induce as early as 37-38 weeks. I wouldn't mind if Q comes early for various reasons, but I'd much rather he comes on his own when he is ready. We'll see what happens!
Personally, J and I are starting to look at prenatal classes. We've enrolled M in a "Big Brother, Big Sister" class our hospital offers and she is very excited. I don't think we're going to take any classes this time around...maybe, but I doubt it. We are hoping to schedule a tour of the maternity ward soon. I'm starting to think about writing out our birth plan, making a list of what to pack in the hospital bag, and pre-registering with the hospital (saved us so much time with M). I'm slowly but surely getting projects done around the house, though there is still a LOT left to do. We'll have family in town around Thanksgiving and I know they'll be up to the challenge of helping us finish out projects that need doing. I'm trying to get a jump on Christmas shopping so I can have it all done just in case he comes before Christmas. My mother has already volunteered to help with gift wrapping, which is a huge help! Lots of preparations, but we still have 13ish weeks left.
This is a fun place to be on the road, for the most part. It is starting to become more real, though hope is still not a solid, assured thing. I'm letting myself prepare more, believe more. I feel like the pace has picked up, though I'm not going any faster (time has a funny way of acting like that sometimes). There is always time to stop and remember, though. Always time for Puff, Luke, and Bunny. They are always with me and always will be, a huge part of what carries me down the road and keeps me walking ever forward towards meeting Q.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Deep Breaths
I'm just past 26 weeks pregnant. I've imagined and dreamed about this phase of pregnancy, where I'd only ever been once before with M. Q is now and has been for 6 weeks, older than Puff when he died. Passing Luke's and Bunny's milestones was relieving, but they were so soon (6 and 8 weeks respectively), that it wasn't as much of a relief as I'd thought. I was still in the dangerous 1st trimester, though having had a 2nd trimester loss and knowing too many people with 3rd trimester losses, I know that there is no "safe point" in a pregnancy all too well.
Honestly, some people may expect that I'll relax more now. Q is past the point where Puff died. Surely that is a huge relief. Puff's death was a fluke. I know all that and it is a relief. I am more relaxed this pregnancy that a lot of the women I know who are going through or have gone through pregnancies after loss (commonly abbreviated PAL). I am a member of an on-line support group on Facebook for women who are pregnant after a second trimester loss, so I do have some frame of reference for how I'm doing. Overall, I think I'm doing well. I am not fully relaxed. There are still rough days where anxiety threatens to get the best of me. I still qualify statements in my mind. The baby is doing well "for now." We are very excited "and hope nothing goes wrong." We should sign up for a tour of the maternity ward since the hospital opened a new one since Puff was born "and I hope we don't have the crying heart on our door this time." The support group has helped me see that this is totally normal. Pretty much all of us ladies in the group feel that way and most, if not all, of the ladies who have gone on to have healthy happy babies felt that way until they held their babies and even beyond. As I've said before, though maybe not on this blog, "there ain't no paranoia like loss mom paranoia." It just seeps in to you.
That isn't to say that I'm not joyful and hopeful. I've simply learned that hope doesn't always look like I used to think. Hope isn't a blind determination that everything will be ok. Hope is continuing to walk the path even though you know it might not be ok, even though it hasn't been ok in the past. Hope is taking steps forward, looking past the anxiety, even when you want to give up. Hope is sometimes sitting down in the road, taking a break and letting the tears flow before getting up to take the next step. I've stayed on the road. I have hope. Trust me, there is no greater joy than seeing/feeling my baby moving, hearing the doctor tell me all about him as we watch him on an ultrasound. Hope doesn't necessarily cast away the fears and anxieties, but it does put them in their place. Hope tells them that I'm going to keep walking, no matter what they say. Hope tells me that I don't have to do more than I'm ready for, that it is ok if I'm having a rough day, because I can keep going anyway. Hope isn't always a strong, lighthouse beacon in the night. Sometimes, hope is knowing that your eyes will adjust to the darkness so you can keep going. Hope is also the sliver of light to which your eyes adjust. Most days are wonderful. Q is a relatively active baby, at least compared to M, and I'm grateful for that (and no, I don't think I'll eat those words when he is born...I know the worse-case alternative and I'll take an active, rambunctious boy over that every single time). Most days, he is kicking and active and there is no doubt that he is fine. Other days, he is quiet and resting...which is normal, but I have to remind myself actively and often of the normalcy of it. And both of those days are ok. The quiet days get fewer and farther between the bigger he gets.
Please believe me, friends and family, I am not always as relaxed and confident as I seem. I sometimes keep up a facade because I need to. I need to act as though it is all ok because that helps me hang on to my hope. A very dear friend who is also pregnant after losses right now and I were talking. She said that she was having trouble holding on to hope. I told her I'd hold hers for her when she couldn't carry it herself if she'd do the same. She immediately understood what I meant and agreed. It is the greatest gift we can give each other, to hold on to hope for each other in the dark times. Other close friends offered to have a shower for me. I love and need the confidence that they have that Q will be fine. Know it or not, they help me hold my hope. I am not ready for a shower just yet (which is also common in the PAL community...a lot of women don't have "showers" until after their babies are born), but their unquestioning confidence was bolstering and happened to come on a day when I'd been having a particularly tough time with anxiety.
A few weeks ago, I came out of M's room and looked at the clock in the kitchen. I realized that I was 19 weeks, 6 days and that it was 8:30 pm exactly...the exact time gestationally that Puff was born into the arms of angels. The next morning, when I felt Q move for the first time of the day, I took a deep breath and sighed. That, my friends, is hope. This little man has made it farther down the road than any of his siblings except for M. May he ever follow in her joyful, happy footsteps and may the sound of them one day fill our ears and our home.
Honestly, some people may expect that I'll relax more now. Q is past the point where Puff died. Surely that is a huge relief. Puff's death was a fluke. I know all that and it is a relief. I am more relaxed this pregnancy that a lot of the women I know who are going through or have gone through pregnancies after loss (commonly abbreviated PAL). I am a member of an on-line support group on Facebook for women who are pregnant after a second trimester loss, so I do have some frame of reference for how I'm doing. Overall, I think I'm doing well. I am not fully relaxed. There are still rough days where anxiety threatens to get the best of me. I still qualify statements in my mind. The baby is doing well "for now." We are very excited "and hope nothing goes wrong." We should sign up for a tour of the maternity ward since the hospital opened a new one since Puff was born "and I hope we don't have the crying heart on our door this time." The support group has helped me see that this is totally normal. Pretty much all of us ladies in the group feel that way and most, if not all, of the ladies who have gone on to have healthy happy babies felt that way until they held their babies and even beyond. As I've said before, though maybe not on this blog, "there ain't no paranoia like loss mom paranoia." It just seeps in to you.
That isn't to say that I'm not joyful and hopeful. I've simply learned that hope doesn't always look like I used to think. Hope isn't a blind determination that everything will be ok. Hope is continuing to walk the path even though you know it might not be ok, even though it hasn't been ok in the past. Hope is taking steps forward, looking past the anxiety, even when you want to give up. Hope is sometimes sitting down in the road, taking a break and letting the tears flow before getting up to take the next step. I've stayed on the road. I have hope. Trust me, there is no greater joy than seeing/feeling my baby moving, hearing the doctor tell me all about him as we watch him on an ultrasound. Hope doesn't necessarily cast away the fears and anxieties, but it does put them in their place. Hope tells them that I'm going to keep walking, no matter what they say. Hope tells me that I don't have to do more than I'm ready for, that it is ok if I'm having a rough day, because I can keep going anyway. Hope isn't always a strong, lighthouse beacon in the night. Sometimes, hope is knowing that your eyes will adjust to the darkness so you can keep going. Hope is also the sliver of light to which your eyes adjust. Most days are wonderful. Q is a relatively active baby, at least compared to M, and I'm grateful for that (and no, I don't think I'll eat those words when he is born...I know the worse-case alternative and I'll take an active, rambunctious boy over that every single time). Most days, he is kicking and active and there is no doubt that he is fine. Other days, he is quiet and resting...which is normal, but I have to remind myself actively and often of the normalcy of it. And both of those days are ok. The quiet days get fewer and farther between the bigger he gets.
Please believe me, friends and family, I am not always as relaxed and confident as I seem. I sometimes keep up a facade because I need to. I need to act as though it is all ok because that helps me hang on to my hope. A very dear friend who is also pregnant after losses right now and I were talking. She said that she was having trouble holding on to hope. I told her I'd hold hers for her when she couldn't carry it herself if she'd do the same. She immediately understood what I meant and agreed. It is the greatest gift we can give each other, to hold on to hope for each other in the dark times. Other close friends offered to have a shower for me. I love and need the confidence that they have that Q will be fine. Know it or not, they help me hold my hope. I am not ready for a shower just yet (which is also common in the PAL community...a lot of women don't have "showers" until after their babies are born), but their unquestioning confidence was bolstering and happened to come on a day when I'd been having a particularly tough time with anxiety.
A few weeks ago, I came out of M's room and looked at the clock in the kitchen. I realized that I was 19 weeks, 6 days and that it was 8:30 pm exactly...the exact time gestationally that Puff was born into the arms of angels. The next morning, when I felt Q move for the first time of the day, I took a deep breath and sighed. That, my friends, is hope. This little man has made it farther down the road than any of his siblings except for M. May he ever follow in her joyful, happy footsteps and may the sound of them one day fill our ears and our home.
Monday, August 29, 2016
It's A ... BABY!!!
Well, here we are. 22 weeks exactly today. Wow...I can now say that this is as pregnant as I've been since M. Puff was born at 19 weeks 6 days, just 3.5 hours short of the 20 week mark, though he'd passed several days before that. It is an amazing feeling, though the caution, trepidation, and qualifying statements (mostly in my head) haven't evaporated over night.
The biggest thing to announce is that I went to the doctor three weeks ago. I'm sorry this post is so late, but most of you already saw our FB post about this. For those of you who haven't...IT'S A BOY!!! We are thrilled and so is M. Initially, she wanted a sister so she could get bunk beds like her best friends (who are sisters). Once she realized it would take a few years before the baby could sleep in a bunk bed, she decided she'd rather have a brother so she wouldn't have to share her toys. No worries, we explained that she'll have to share her toys no matter what! She still wanted a brother because it means she won't have to share her nicer jewelry, lol! On my blog, he will be referred to as Q. For privacy's sake, though no one really reads this except family and friends, I don't use the first names of my husband and living children. Most of you will have seen the Facebook announcement that will go up at the same time as this blog post, so you'll already know his full name.
The ultrasound with the MFM revealed that he seems to be in perfect health. If anything, he is a bit on the bigger side. The MFM said that was a good sign, though I may not appreciate it as much when I reach term, lol! He measured at 19 weeks 6 days for size when I was 19 weeks and he weighed 12 oz (though weight can be off a good bit...most of us probably have stories about that). I was especially glad to hear that he was a bit above target for size since I haven't gained any significant weight yet. I lost weight with Puff and I'd always wondered if that might have had something to do with his death. My ob/gyn had assured me it didn't, that we did everything right and that he'd never been concerned about my weight loss (especially since I'm a bigger girl). Q's health and...ahem...vigor have removed any doubt I had. He was laying on his left side, facing my left arm (if he'd been able to see through me, he'd have been looking at Daddy through the ultrasound. He was very cooperative and let the MFM see everything he wanted to see except outflow on the left side of his heart. The MFM said he could cheat and tell that it was ok, but he wanted to see me back in 5 weeks for another ultrasound just to get a clearer picture. I don't know if it was truly to see Q's heart or if it was to set my mind more at ease, but I don't really care. I could have sat there all day and looked at him.
The MFM was fantastic about pointing out everything they were looking at and why. "See this? This is the cerebellum. See how it is shaped like a dumbbell? That's good! If it were shaped like a banana, that is indicative of spina bifida." "See his foot? It is in proportion with his arms and legs. If it wasn't, that could be an indicator of Down syndrome." He went on to point out the present nasal bone (can indicate Down syndrome if absent), appropriate neck thickness (can also indicate Down syndrome if too thick), and his intact lips (no signs of cleft lip or palate). So everything looked great! The MFMwants me to do a baseline protein test due to my still elevated blood pressure. He said I do not have pre-eclampsia now, but might develop it later on, so he wants to see a baseline measure now to have a comparison. My blood pressure was much lower when I saw my ob/gyn after the ultrasound (imagine that...), but he agreed with the MFM. It certainly won't hurt anything to have it done. My ob/gyn was happy with all the results and scans, with my overall progress, and wants to see me back in three weeks (two now) for the protein test and my glucose check. So I go back to my ob/gyn today for those tests and to the MFM in two weeks for the ultrasound to see the left side of Q's heart.
The biggest thing to announce is that I went to the doctor three weeks ago. I'm sorry this post is so late, but most of you already saw our FB post about this. For those of you who haven't...IT'S A BOY!!! We are thrilled and so is M. Initially, she wanted a sister so she could get bunk beds like her best friends (who are sisters). Once she realized it would take a few years before the baby could sleep in a bunk bed, she decided she'd rather have a brother so she wouldn't have to share her toys. No worries, we explained that she'll have to share her toys no matter what! She still wanted a brother because it means she won't have to share her nicer jewelry, lol! On my blog, he will be referred to as Q. For privacy's sake, though no one really reads this except family and friends, I don't use the first names of my husband and living children. Most of you will have seen the Facebook announcement that will go up at the same time as this blog post, so you'll already know his full name.
The ultrasound with the MFM revealed that he seems to be in perfect health. If anything, he is a bit on the bigger side. The MFM said that was a good sign, though I may not appreciate it as much when I reach term, lol! He measured at 19 weeks 6 days for size when I was 19 weeks and he weighed 12 oz (though weight can be off a good bit...most of us probably have stories about that). I was especially glad to hear that he was a bit above target for size since I haven't gained any significant weight yet. I lost weight with Puff and I'd always wondered if that might have had something to do with his death. My ob/gyn had assured me it didn't, that we did everything right and that he'd never been concerned about my weight loss (especially since I'm a bigger girl). Q's health and...ahem...vigor have removed any doubt I had. He was laying on his left side, facing my left arm (if he'd been able to see through me, he'd have been looking at Daddy through the ultrasound. He was very cooperative and let the MFM see everything he wanted to see except outflow on the left side of his heart. The MFM said he could cheat and tell that it was ok, but he wanted to see me back in 5 weeks for another ultrasound just to get a clearer picture. I don't know if it was truly to see Q's heart or if it was to set my mind more at ease, but I don't really care. I could have sat there all day and looked at him.
The MFM was fantastic about pointing out everything they were looking at and why. "See this? This is the cerebellum. See how it is shaped like a dumbbell? That's good! If it were shaped like a banana, that is indicative of spina bifida." "See his foot? It is in proportion with his arms and legs. If it wasn't, that could be an indicator of Down syndrome." He went on to point out the present nasal bone (can indicate Down syndrome if absent), appropriate neck thickness (can also indicate Down syndrome if too thick), and his intact lips (no signs of cleft lip or palate). So everything looked great! The MFMwants me to do a baseline protein test due to my still elevated blood pressure. He said I do not have pre-eclampsia now, but might develop it later on, so he wants to see a baseline measure now to have a comparison. My blood pressure was much lower when I saw my ob/gyn after the ultrasound (imagine that...), but he agreed with the MFM. It certainly won't hurt anything to have it done. My ob/gyn was happy with all the results and scans, with my overall progress, and wants to see me back in three weeks (two now) for the protein test and my glucose check. So I go back to my ob/gyn today for those tests and to the MFM in two weeks for the ultrasound to see the left side of Q's heart.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Time Travel Updates
Everything is fine. :) I often start my conversations with my mother in this way. I know she is anxious about me, J, M, and the baby...especially the baby right now. So I figured if it is good enough for my mother, it is good enough for my blog.
I wanted to talk a bit about my 10 week ultrasound before I get to my doctor's appointment yesterday (see first sentence if you're the anxious type). I have remarked before that I have been mostly calm during this pregnancy...more than I had expected, anyway. However, if you catch me on the morning of a doctor's appointment, my heart is hammering in my ears and I'm so anxious I feel sick to my stomach. The 10 week ultrasound was no exception. The nurse at the MFM's office called me back to get my blood pressure and weight before the ultrasound. My blood pressure was so high, an alarm on the machine sounded. Apparently, it showed I was having a stroke. Obviously, I wasn't, so I took a few deep breaths and we tried again. Much better the second time, but still high. Well, duh! I'm a nervous wreck here! I'm having trouble breathing at all, let alone deeply and calmly! So anyway, I went back to wait with J for them to call us for the ultrasound. It seemed like forever, but we were finally called back. The ultrasound began and I almost immediately saw my baby's heartbeat. There were huge sighs of relief, face-splitting smiles, and a few tears (well, J didn't cry, but I did). Through the whole ultrasound, the baby kicked its tiny feet and waved its tiny hand. It looked like one of the golden cat statues I always associate with Chinese restaurants. The little hand kept bobbing up and down. "Looks like baby is saying hi," the MFM noted. "Hi, baby! We love you so much!" Heartbeat was a strong 160. MFM told us that with a strong heartbeat and such an active baby, he did not expect any problems for us. "You're miscarriage chance at this point is, in my estimation, as low as anyone else's. At 10 weeks with these good signs, I doubt you will miscarry. I'm so sorry for your earlier losses, but it is likely that your first (Puff) was a fluke accident. I don't think there is much chance at all that it would happen again." I have rarely heard sweeter words. My ob/gyn concurred and we were sent home smiling with pictures of our kicking, waving baby.
I'll write more about the in-between time, as I've come to think about it, in another blog soon. Time travel to yesterday morning (7/11/16). I had a 15 week check-up with my ob-gyn. No ultrasound, just a routine follow-up. J decided to head to work unless I got to anxious and needed him there. I figured I'd be fine and sent him to work. I've requested morning appointments so that I can get it over with and not be anxious. Yesterday was no exception with anxiety. I was nervous to the point of trembling hands and feeling sick. The nurse called me back and began asking the standard questions. She reached for the blood pressure cuff and stethoscope. "Can we please do the Doppler first? My blood pressure will be sky high until I hear the heartbeat." "Oh, of course!" Thank heavens! The nurse began prodding around, looking for the heartbeat but only finding mine. I knew it was my heartbeat because the sounds on the Doppler matched the thumping in my ears. Then, a buzzing noise came from the intercom. "I'm so sorry. The doctor needs me," the nurse said as she rushed out the door. "I'll be right back."
Honestly, in those moments lying alone on that table with her not able to find my baby's heartbeat, I had a major flashback. There were a few moments when the doctor and nurse left me in the exam room while they went to find other equipment and, I assume, consult about not finding Puff's heartbeat. I thought the same thing yesterday that I did then. "This will either be the best ending or the worst." I fought back tears and prayed. "Lord, I don't think I can do this again. I don't have much choice at this point, but I'll walk the road You have for me." It is a very lonely, aching, desperate place to be.
As the nurse walked back through the door, she immediately apologized. "I'm an idiot! I've been off for a week and you're my first Doppler back. It should be routine by now, but I completely forgot to check where your uterus is (not as dumb as it sounds, since it grows and moves throughout pregnancy). I'm so sorry." Two seconds of poking my belly and two seconds positioning the Doppler and there it was. A strong whoshing noise, faster than before. Baby's heartbeat!!! A nice, solid 156. I didn't cry, but I came VERY close. I laughed in relief and asked her if I could stay there all day listening. "Oh, honey, I know. I'd let you if I could. I'm so sorry for the stress I caused earlier."
The rest of the appointment was pretty routine. My blood pressure was down from 10 weeks, but still a bit elevated. My doctor doesn't want me to change anything (I walk at least a mile each day with our dog and haven't gained a pound yet), but he is going to keep an eye on it. If it stays elevated or gets higher, he may recommend intervention and we would likely deliver baby early. But that isn't a major concern now as it was only slightly elevated. Other than that, I'm doing well and so is baby. Even typing that, I just sighed in relief.
My next appointment is the gender/anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks with the MFM on August 8, 2016. I'll follow-up with my ob/gyn after. I know I'll probably be even more nervous than usual since we found out Puff had died at a 19 week appointment. It will be a relief, though, to not just hear the heartbeat, but also to see the baby moving on the ultrasound and to learn its gender. I'll definitely ask the MFM's nurse to do my blood pressure AFTER the ultrasound this time! :)
So we keep walking. Through the dark, bumpy patches of anxiety and fear. Through the smooth stretches where we step in time with a tiny heartbeat, drumming our hope. We walk, always one day, one step, one heartbeat closer to our sweet baby.
Monday, June 20, 2016
First Ultrasound (5/9/2016)
Here is another post written pre-public announcement of our pregnancy.
Well, our new baby is due January 2, 2017! As of the day I am writing this (May 9, 2016), I am exactly six weeks pregnant. My ob/gyn decided he wanted to see me early, around 7 weeks, as he wants to keep a closer eye on this pregnancy. His amazing staff scheduled an ultrasound at the MFM's office and a follow-up with him after. One perk of having the ultrasounds with the MFM is that the doctor is present during the ultrasound. The suite my ob/gyn uses is in a separate office and is only ultrasound techs. Nothing against technicians, but given my history, I am glad to have a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies looking at the ultrasounds too.
That's right...he wanted to see me at 7 weeks, we went today, and I said that I'm six weeks pregnant. Using traditional dating methods, I would be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. However, the ultrasound revealed that the baby was not as big as we thought, so the due date was pushed back to 1/2/17, putting us at 6 weeks pregnant. That happened with M too, except her due date was pushed back two weeks! She was born three days ahead of the later due date, so it was definitely right. Other than that, though, the MFM said everything looked great. No signs of subchorionic hemorrhage (Bunny's cause of death)! And best of all, we got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat!!! Heart rate is 124, which both doctors agreed is a good sign. MFM said that my progesterone should be good, based on the ultrasound, but ordered labs just to be sure. My ob/gyn put me on a dose of progesterone as soon as we got the positive test, but the MFM said he would increase it if he needed to. However, the labs came back and my levels were great.
It was super comforting when, in the follow-up with him, my ob/gyn started talking about expectations for labor and delivery based on my experience with M, about getting a TDAP shot at 32 weeks, etc. Hearing him talk about the future of this pregnancy with such certainty really drove it home. There is no reason why this pregnancy shouldn't get that far. There are no indications at this point that there is anything wrong. All the signs point to a healthy pregnancy and baby...and definitely to a happy Mama, Daddy, and Big Sister! Both doctors and their staffs were supportive, caring, and all-around fantastic. We couldn't ask for better care. Both doctors, independent of each other, agreed that I should come back in four weeks for another ultrasound and follow-up. They want to keep a close eye on this pregnancy, given our history. Technically, I haven't been classified as "high risk" at this point, but since the MFM's office will be doing my ultrasounds, he wanted to stay involved. I'm not sure how involved he will be in the long run. I don't know if they will want to continue doing more frequent ultrasounds just to be sure or if the next one will be the last until the gender/anatomy scan around 20 weeks. We will have to wait and see.
But tonight, my steps down the road are a little lighter and the path seems a little brighter. Even if it is just for this moment, even if the darkness closes in again soon (as I know all too well that it can), I am going to enjoy this moment. Tonight, as we travel down our path, we skip, we run, we sing, and we dance. Tonight is a night for joy.
Well, our new baby is due January 2, 2017! As of the day I am writing this (May 9, 2016), I am exactly six weeks pregnant. My ob/gyn decided he wanted to see me early, around 7 weeks, as he wants to keep a closer eye on this pregnancy. His amazing staff scheduled an ultrasound at the MFM's office and a follow-up with him after. One perk of having the ultrasounds with the MFM is that the doctor is present during the ultrasound. The suite my ob/gyn uses is in a separate office and is only ultrasound techs. Nothing against technicians, but given my history, I am glad to have a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies looking at the ultrasounds too.
That's right...he wanted to see me at 7 weeks, we went today, and I said that I'm six weeks pregnant. Using traditional dating methods, I would be 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant. However, the ultrasound revealed that the baby was not as big as we thought, so the due date was pushed back to 1/2/17, putting us at 6 weeks pregnant. That happened with M too, except her due date was pushed back two weeks! She was born three days ahead of the later due date, so it was definitely right. Other than that, though, the MFM said everything looked great. No signs of subchorionic hemorrhage (Bunny's cause of death)! And best of all, we got to see and hear the baby's heartbeat!!! Heart rate is 124, which both doctors agreed is a good sign. MFM said that my progesterone should be good, based on the ultrasound, but ordered labs just to be sure. My ob/gyn put me on a dose of progesterone as soon as we got the positive test, but the MFM said he would increase it if he needed to. However, the labs came back and my levels were great.
It was super comforting when, in the follow-up with him, my ob/gyn started talking about expectations for labor and delivery based on my experience with M, about getting a TDAP shot at 32 weeks, etc. Hearing him talk about the future of this pregnancy with such certainty really drove it home. There is no reason why this pregnancy shouldn't get that far. There are no indications at this point that there is anything wrong. All the signs point to a healthy pregnancy and baby...and definitely to a happy Mama, Daddy, and Big Sister! Both doctors and their staffs were supportive, caring, and all-around fantastic. We couldn't ask for better care. Both doctors, independent of each other, agreed that I should come back in four weeks for another ultrasound and follow-up. They want to keep a close eye on this pregnancy, given our history. Technically, I haven't been classified as "high risk" at this point, but since the MFM's office will be doing my ultrasounds, he wanted to stay involved. I'm not sure how involved he will be in the long run. I don't know if they will want to continue doing more frequent ultrasounds just to be sure or if the next one will be the last until the gender/anatomy scan around 20 weeks. We will have to wait and see.
But tonight, my steps down the road are a little lighter and the path seems a little brighter. Even if it is just for this moment, even if the darkness closes in again soon (as I know all too well that it can), I am going to enjoy this moment. Tonight, as we travel down our path, we skip, we run, we sing, and we dance. Tonight is a night for joy.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Gratitude and Comfort
I am writing this blog on April 20th, 2016. I'm noting that because this post won't be published for a while. I don't yet know how long it will be, but there are things that need to be done before I can publish it.
WE'RE PREGNANT!! We found out on April 18th. I'd been having some symptoms, but I tend to be a symptom-seeker, so I try not to get my hopes up. All the signs pointed to it, though, so after a faint if-I-turn-it-just-the-right-way-in-just-the-right-light-it-is-maybe-positive test that morning, I took another test in the afternoon and got a definite positive. I am, on April 20th, 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant. (UPDATE: I was actually only about 3 weeks and 1 day pregnant, baby's scan showed that it is a bit behind. More on that in a later post, but it is nothing to worry about) My doctor has started me on progesterone (which, from what I can tell, may or may not help but won't hurt). I will not see him until the second week in May, when I will be 7 weeks. I don't have an appointment date yet, as scheduling is difficult. My ob/gyn and the MFM who did our testing have agreed (at my request) that I can do my ultrasounds at the MFMs office. The ultrasound suite my ob/gyn uses is where it was confirmed to me that Puff had died, where we learned that something was wrong with the pregnancy with Bunny, and where it was confirmed that the pregnancy with Bunny was not viable. I have strong feelings associated with that office and I am not sure how I would react going back. Both doctors agree that the stress is not worth it, especially since the MFM's office and my ob/gyn's office are both located at the same hospital. I can walk from one to the other...not quickly, but I can. I will remain under the care of my ob/gyn unless complications arise that would necessitate moving to the MFM. So scheduling the ultrasound at the MFM's and the appointment with my ob/gyn has proven tricky.
WE'RE PREGNANT!! We found out on April 18th. I'd been having some symptoms, but I tend to be a symptom-seeker, so I try not to get my hopes up. All the signs pointed to it, though, so after a faint if-I-turn-it-just-the-right-way-in-just-the-right-light-it-is-maybe-positive test that morning, I took another test in the afternoon and got a definite positive. I am, on April 20th, 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant. (UPDATE: I was actually only about 3 weeks and 1 day pregnant, baby's scan showed that it is a bit behind. More on that in a later post, but it is nothing to worry about) My doctor has started me on progesterone (which, from what I can tell, may or may not help but won't hurt). I will not see him until the second week in May, when I will be 7 weeks. I don't have an appointment date yet, as scheduling is difficult. My ob/gyn and the MFM who did our testing have agreed (at my request) that I can do my ultrasounds at the MFMs office. The ultrasound suite my ob/gyn uses is where it was confirmed to me that Puff had died, where we learned that something was wrong with the pregnancy with Bunny, and where it was confirmed that the pregnancy with Bunny was not viable. I have strong feelings associated with that office and I am not sure how I would react going back. Both doctors agree that the stress is not worth it, especially since the MFM's office and my ob/gyn's office are both located at the same hospital. I can walk from one to the other...not quickly, but I can. I will remain under the care of my ob/gyn unless complications arise that would necessitate moving to the MFM. So scheduling the ultrasound at the MFM's and the appointment with my ob/gyn has proven tricky.
Those are the nitty gritty details that people will want to know. They are up-to-date as of the day I'm writing this and I will only edit critical details before I post this. The main reason I'm writing this is because I want to chronicle this part of the journey. J and I don't know when we'll make this baby public. Some family members and close friends know already, but not many. It is still so new. It isn't that we're scared of a loss, though we are. J always says that if people want to rejoice with us, they can mourn with us. If they can't be with us through both, they don't need to be part of our lives. We're just relaxing as much as we can and enjoying this.
Honestly, I have felt more relaxed and calm in the days immediately before and after the positive test than I have since the early days of my pregnancy with Puff. Even before we had a loss of our own, there was always the first trimester angst. It wasn't as intense, but it was there. Anyway, I have caught myself daydreaming about being hugely pregnant and feeling this baby move, or about being home with the baby on maternity leave. It has been comforting to feel more calm. I am having some symptoms, which is the bulk of what I wanted to talk about.
I've had some nausea throughout the day, some sensitivity to smells, some aversions/cravings (similar to the ones I had with Puff...I want spicy food, lol), frequent urination, forgetfulness (my typical tell) and some ligament pain. These are all normal, blessedly, wonderfully normal. I make sure to talk to J about them, to update him throughout the day with how I'm feeling. Mostly, I do this because I find immense comfort in the symptoms, especially the nausea and ligament pain. I know those are there because of higher-than-normal hormone levels. Every time a wave of nausea hits, every time a ligament protests when I move too quickly, every time I have to stop what I'm doing to pee, or try to remember something simple, I say a quick "thank you" prayer. I am so grateful for these symptoms. They bring comfort because they help me remember and rest in the knowledge that I'm still pregnant. Even if this goes wrong later, right now, I'm pregnant and I can enjoy this baby for every minute that it is with me. That is the outlook I want to have.
Throughout this pregnancy, I am going to try to keep this outlook. I am going to try to be grateful for every inconvenience, pain, and sickness. I am going to try to use as many minutes of lost sleep as possible praying for this baby, for my friends and family, and for myself. I am going to try to remember to say "thank you" when each little thing hits. I know how quickly it can go away and how heartbreaking that can be. I've been the woman listening to a thoughtless comment, reading a post complaining about a pregnancy symptoms, etc. and feeling the invisible knife cut my heart, just a little bit deeper because I would give anything except another life to have those symptoms, to have that ignorance of the shattering grief of child loss.
So as we walk this new path on our road, please walk with us. Please hold me accountable to my gratitude, but be sensitive about it. Please understand that, no matter how grateful we are, grief is still a part of our lives and always will be. No baby will replace Puff, Luke, and Bunny nor make me stop longing for them. We walk, hoping for light, straining to glimpse it up ahead, catching it and holding on for dear life whenever we can. Resting in the knowledge that right here, right now, we're pregnant!
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